adams Wall

I can’t remember the first time I met Adam. But what I can remember is that every subsequent time he walked into the house it would seem as though my home ‘woke up’. He was pure and enthusiastic energy. I remember sitting with him before he asked my sister to the matric dance and thinking to myself “she is going to have the best night of her life going with him”. It was no surprise that she did. She loved him. I remember my last conversation with Adam. It was at a wedding , where he was trying to get my mom to dance, and when I told him she was in mourning and couldn’t he was ridiculously apologetic. I laughed, smiled and told him it was the sweetest thing in the world that he was trying so hard. He didn’t have to do that , ask his friends mom to dance , but that’s just who he was . If he saw something he could make better that’s what he did, with no reservations or hesitation. However , it seems as though in his efforts to put as much light in the world as humanly possible he didn’t save enough for himself. He was consumed internally hhu. by a darkness that we will never understand. The Jewish community is a beautiful place, but with all that community comes competition and comparison. And by virtue of our people there is a lot of excellence to behold. When you look up and see how brilliant someone else has done , your accomplishments however numerous or painstakingly attained will seem lacking. For example my four distinctions in matric were excellent for myself at the time, but quite insignificant compared to my sister’s respective 8 and 10. It is so hard to look beyond the latter and towards what is truly important, the former. Human beings are imperfect. We all have light and dark inside of us. Things that we like and things that we don’t. Adam was so intent on pushing all that light into the world that he all that remained was for him to focus on what was dark, what was different. We will never know what was going on his head , but what we do know with absolute certainty is that he was wrong. Every self deprecating , hateful word he had about himself could be matched ten fold with praise from his peers and family and to be honest even strangers that were in his presence for 2 minutes. However those become irrelevant if you aren’t listening , and Adam wasn’t listening. If he had there is no way he would have done what he did. But it is unfair of us to have asked that of him, because I am the belief that at the time it wasn’t a choice for Adam to ignore reality , but a result of mental illness coupled with difficulty understanding who he was. However the reality was that Adam would have been accepted for who he was , had he even decided to put shoes on his hands and walk backwards for the rest of his life. His heart was still the same. I know that’s why my sister loved him , because his heart was gold. I don’t know what to say to her , because I cannot imagine losing my best friend. But in essence I would like to communicate the following to her. The choice for Adam to take him own life was his own and nothing anyone did or didn’t do could change it. The choice as to whether she will live her life honoring his memory and taking strength from them is hers. The only person capable of evaluating your self worth and making your decisions is you. Keep Adam close to your heart but look inside and realize that you have a lot to do in this world, so hold your head up , tie his light to your heart , and keep on going. Because if Adam Seef loved you and directed all his light to you, you owe it to him to love yourself.
I know this message comes later than it should have, I wish I’d known when exactly ‘should have’ means. And although your sparkly eyes won’t read these words, I want the message to be out there and Seef I don’t know how else to reach you but I know I must and I know how achingly desperate I am to do so. You have been hurting, I don’t know what about and I don’t know how long you’ve been enduring this pain but I know you most certainly didn’t deserve it. I am so sorry that you had to experience that, and I am so sorry that there was nothing we could say or do because we didn’t know we needed to. I’m sorry we couldn’t hear the voice in your head and I’m even more sorry that you had to. I wish it told you the narrative we all knew. I wish it reminded you constantly how so many people’s life’s are touched by yours. How many people are inspired by your intellect, your drive and your work ethic. Your humor is solely responsible for the joy & smiles of so many people, myself included. I don’t quite know how to manage without it. And I find it so hard to believe that you managed to make everyone else so happy in the face of your own lack of happiness inside. You are a remarkable human being. Not ‘were’. Your legacy and your presence will never not be remarkable and it will never not be here. You are a light. I am so grateful to have met you and to have loved you, and I always will. You are enough. You are everything you need to be and more. You are Adam Seef and no one else in this world will ever be lucky enough to boast that title. I love you, Seef. Fly high ❤️
Don’t even know where to begin. As corny as it sounds and I know you probably rolling your eyes at this but the world is different without you. I wish I could just tell you how much you mean to me. I would say meant but you continue to make an impact in my life even now that you gone. You are my best friend. I don’t know if I ever told you that. I guess I assumed you knew that. When I would refer to your friend group it wasn’t any of the boys it was always “ seef and them”. You made me feel safe. I knew that if I ever needed anything at all whether it was a lift, a shoulder to cry on or even a fake boyfriend you would be there. You are the kindest, most hard working person I know. I don’t know if I ever told you about my own depression but looking back now I think you knew. You were the only person who could get through to me and understand my sadness. You didn’t ask why I was sad or who made me that way. You just understood and stood by me. I want you to know that I am not angry at you. Although I may not understand why you decided to end your life, I will never be angry at you for deciding to do so. I wish I could have seen the pain that you were experiencing and helped you like you had helped me so many times. Ad, I want you to know just how special your family is. They are so incredibly strong. People don’t stare at your mom or your dad or your sister because they feel sorry for them. They stare because they are in absolute awe of their strength. There really is no words to describe how we are feeling. I can’t talk for anyone else but myself but this is weird. Weird. It’s not the most elegant word but it’s the truth. Everything is weird without you. I find myself often typing your name on a Facebook meme because I know we would laugh about it. But you will never get the message. I still feel you around. When I’m stressed and having a bad day or when I’m missing you I know you are near. It’s scary without you Ad. I’m petrified to be honest. You were my rock. You really were. You were so amazing and I just wish I could have told you that. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. I don’t know if I can. You were and still are a huge part of my life. Ad, I didn’t love you because you were straight, I didn’t love you because you were smart. I didn’t love you because of any of these things. I love you for you. I love you for always unconditionaly being there for me. I think sometimes that this has all been a big dream and that any second I’m gonna wake up and see your smiling face. Ad, you were so blessed to have the friends that you had. I look at them everyday and wonder how they are the people that they are. I think it’s because of you. You touched every person that you ever came into contact with.I hope you can hear me and see how much the people you left behind miss you. Because we do. You weren’t and never will be irrelevant or any less than important. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life and to be your friend. I will forever miss you my Ad.I love you.
Ad. I don't know how to start this. My heart still breaks into a million pieces knowing I lost such a happy person in my life. Ad you had it all you were smart, you were funny, you were a good friend, an actor, stylish and you made me laugh. Life without you doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like it was supposed to go this way. I didn't know that the last time I said goodbye to you before going away for a while would be the last, I would have never let you go. It's weird when I think of you because as sad as I am, only happy memories come to mind. Acting in plays together; running athletics together; Yiddish folk; You making me go on a water slide not knowing the part where you stand just drops but loving you for giving me the adrenaline; partying together but laughing at each other's terrible dancing; and just constant smiling with you. I often think what I could've done or said differently, I wish I could've just known. By living in your honor I've challenged myself for you, but I've done it with a smile because I know you didn't do anything without a smile, I make sure everything I do I love. I never give up and I make sure every day is harder than the day before to challenge myself and fight for you Ad, always for you. While we hadn't spoken in months, our years of friendship made me know that "Seef" is always there, always someone I won't forget no matter where I am in the world and how different the lives are that we are living. I know you're there, I know you're watching over all of us and for that I feel safe every day. There's no right words to write here, no words can do you justice to speak to you this way, but it's all we have left memories and for that I'm grateful. I miss you Ad. I miss your voice saying "howzit" and then giving me that awkward hug hello. I miss every single aspect about you. I truly hope you found your peace and that you are really happy up there. I love you forever I promise. Know that you were loved too... so much.

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